After you're lost
by RMB
Summary: Kate and Sawyer made it off the island along with a bunch of others. When they arrived in the states, Sawyer was taken into custody and is now in prison. Kate, however, isn't.
1. Disbelief

**Disbelief**

She couldn't believe what had happened before her very eyes. All the time she'd been thinking that if they ever got rescued it would be her who would go to jail. Her who would be handcuffed on the spot. Her who would be ushered away by grim looking cops in suits. All the time she'd been dreading the moment they would get rescued. She'd known all along that she would be caught, imprisoned and that she would be rotting in a state pen for probably the rest of her life.

Kate was looking out of the window of her luxury hotel room. She would only stay one more night and then she would move into the little apartment she'd rented. Outside the rain was pouring down and Kate was damn sure that if it would go on like that the world would become one big ocean. One big sea where everything drowned and disappeared under the waves until nothing was left but endless blue. Kate looked around. She had already packed her suitcase. A suitcase full of clothes. It seemed ridiculous. Only a few weeks back she'd been content with a khaki and extremely happy with a change pair of knickers. Now she had a suitcase full of clothes. Clothes Oceanic had paid for. Clothes in a suitcase Oceanic had paid for. A suitcase in a hotel room Oceanic had paid for.

Oceanic Airlines had done everything to make getting back into life easier and more comfortable for her and the other survivors. They had each got a free hotel room in one of the best hotels in town for as long as they wished to stay. Each survivor was presented with a "Golden Ticket" that allowed them to fly on any Oceanic flight they wished without having to pay one single dollar. The airline did everything they could think of to ease their conscience. The bad publicity had been devastating and now they were trying extremely hard to mend fences. They had even sent Kate a shopping assistant who helped her get the right clothes to compliment her look. Of course this had only transpired after they'd had her visit the best hairdresser in town. Oceanic was treating Kate like a princess and to Kate it still felt weird. And extremely wrong.

I'm a fugitive, Kate thought, I've killed someone, I shouldn't be here, I should be in jail, not him. It was still hard to believe what had happened at the airport. The night before Kate and Sawyer had said their goodbyes on the freighter. They had simply called it a night. "You ever in the South, Freckles, come by and knock on ol' Sawyer's door, alright?" he had said with his trademark dimple smile and Kate had simply smiled weakly and had gone off to her bunk. Back then she'd been sure she wouldn't ever be in the South in the years to come but now everything was different. They'd taken him into custody.

6 weeks ago they had taken him into custody and had put him into jail. Not her. Not the murderer, the fugitive, the runaway, but him. She'd known all along that Sawyer was no angel, no saint, but he was Sawyer, he was so much more than just a con-man and now, that they were back in the real world and she was free to do whatever she wanted to do, free to love and decide and explore, now that she could do all this, the only person she wanted to love and explore was gone for good. In jail. In prison waiting for his trial. Waiting for the judges and the jury to decide for how long he would have to stay behind those bars.

Kate couldn't believe it. Someone behind the scenes had made sure she wouldn't have to go to jail. Her file was gone, buried. Kate Austen, didn't exist anymore. It was Kate Morgan who had gotten a new chance. Kate Morgan who had boarded Oceanic 815 in Sydney and Kate Morgan who had 

survived a plane crash. Kate Morgan was born in Chicotah, Oklahoma. Kate Morgan had lost her parents in a car crash. Kate Morgan went to college and had a degree in social studies. Kate Morgan was a good person. Kate Morgan was a lie.

Kate didn't know who it was. The man behind the curtain. The person who made sure she could start anew. Maybe it was her mother, maybe it was Ben, maybe it was the Pope himself, but right this moment Kate couldn't care less. Because all she could think of was him. She still couldn't believe it. She was free, and he wasn't. However hard she had been trying to fight him off on the island, he surely must've known how she felt deep down in her heart. She would give everything she had to have him back. She would even go back to that damn island if only he was with her. She couldn't believe the truth. She didn't want to believe the truth.

"I'm here to visit James Ford" Kate said to the man in front of her. The dark haired Latino looked at her and typed something into his computer. He was quite handsome and Kate guessed he was in his early thirties, maybe late twenties. She spotted a gold ring on his left ring finger. He seemed rather tall and even though his look was a little too serious Kate sensed a friendliness in him. She searched him and found his name tag. Joe Martinez. He mumbled Sawyer's real name and after what seemed like hours to Kate he looked back up at her. "James Ford, that would be block C, you ever been here before?" Kate shook her head. "I'd need your full name and an ID please, Maam".

Kate handed him her ID and said her name: "Katherine Anne Morgan". Joe took her ID and after typing some more he opened the gate for her. Kate thanked him and smiled at him. Joe smiled back and Kate knew she'd been right about the guy's friendly side. Maybe he just had the wrong job. But working in a prison would probably make a clown depressed. Kate was ushered through the gate and down a long and grey hallway. Everything about the place seemed to be grey. The floor was grey linoleum, the walls were grey concrete and even the light seemed just grey. It made Kate sad, but she took a deep breath. She wanted to be composed when she saw him.

The guard who was with her led her into the visitor's room and told her to sit down at the table and wait a few minutes. Kate obliged and shifted uncomfortably in her chair. Only a few more moments. Minutes, seconds until she saw him again. Until she could talk to him, smile at him. She wondered what he would look like. He'd probably be wearing orange, or blue and maybe they made him shave regularly. Maybe they had cut his hair. Kate flinched. She liked his hair long. She liked running her hands through it. He would look different with short hair. But he would feel the same.

Kate looked up when she heard a door being opened. She turned her gaze towards the door and swallowed hard. Sawyer. He was wearing the typical light blue jail shirt and matching pants and his hands were cuffed. His hair was still long and she was right about the shaving. He didn't dare look at the person who was awaiting him until he finally sat down in front of her. He looked at her and Kate felt her heartbeat quicken. She wanted to speak, she wanted to tell him what she felt, what she couldn't believe. Kate wanted him to know, that she felt guilty, that she felt lonely without him. But she sensed something was wrong. Sawyer's expression became more serious, more cold.

"What you doing here, Kate?" he said drily. Kate was already starting to waver. "I wanted to see you. I wanted to see how you were doing." She couldn't bare his cold stare any longer and looked down at the table. "Well, Kate, I'm just swell so you're all done. Go home." Sawyer's voice was deep and dark 

and Kate felt it envelop her and it was threatening. She looked back up at him and swallowed. "Sawyer, don't you send me away now. Do you know what it took me to finally come here and see you?" Kate knew she sounded angry and desperate, but she didn't care. But it didn't bear the expected results. No smirk, no joke, nothing. Instead Sawyer just looked at her sternly and said: "Kate. Let me make one thing clear. You and I ain't family, we ain't friends, we ain't more than two people who happened to spend a few weeks on a damn deserted rock. You got your life and I got mine and mine is none of your damn business. So please, Kate Morgan, go home and never come back since I ain't got nothing to do with you".

Sawyer looked at her one last time and got up. He didn't say no more and walked towards the guard and was ushered away to his cell again. Kate just said on her grey chair in the grey room in silence. He didn't want to see her. Never again. He was shutting her out. She couldn't believe it.


	2. Denial

**Denial**

This wasn't happening. It wasn't. It couldn't. It was too surreal, too ridiculous, too absurd. This simply wasn't happening. Kate tried to convince herself that all this, the last year, wasn't really happening. The things she'd done, the running away, crashing on the island and getting off and now this, all this wasn't real, it wasn't. Maybe she was still asleep and would soon wake up only to find it all a bad dream. Yes, that was it, a dream, a nightmare. She would soon wake up and then she would simply shake her head gently and the dream would be gone. Yes, that was it, she thought, a dream, a vision, something that would fade away in no time to leave space for the real world.

Kate stared at the little blue cross. This wasn't possible. This was never supposed to happen to her, right? Why now of all times? Kate paced her living room and became more nervous with every second that passed. She couldn't do this alone. She probably couldn't even do this at all. What would she do with a baby? His baby. She thought about the last week. She'd gone to the state pen every damn day. Every damn day she'd taken the forty minute ride to the outskirts of the city only to get the same result. She would go in and see the guard at the front desk, Joe Martinez, smile at her with always the same amount of sadness and regret. He would say the same as every day. That he was sorry, but James Ford didn't want to see her.

But why wouldn't he? Why wouldn't he want to see her, talk to her, let her explain and mend those fences she had broken down on the island? He couldn't possibly blame her for his situation, or could he? It hadn't been her who put him into jail. It hadn't been her who'd made sure she wouldn't have to go to prison. A week ago she'd had no idea who'd been playing god all along but she couldn't ignore the signs anymore. From all around people seemed to come into her life to take care of her. Her nice neighbor Eileen, who was in her early forties and who happened to be a midwife. Mr. Venturi, the nice Italian from across the road who owned a little supermarket and who would come by three times a week to bring her fresh fruit. Or her neighbor from a few blocks away, 80-year old Mrs. Harrison who she'd once met at the park and who would constantly babble on about her grandkids.

For years she'd managed to stay away from a life like this, from getting too close to too many people but right now it seemed she couldn't fight it anymore. Those people were there, just like that, and Kate knew deep down that something was wrong about it. Each of them had approached her, never had she started to talk to any of them. They were keeping an eye on her and made sure she was okay. Kate felt a little surveyed. And how ever much she tried to convince herself that she was getting mad, she couldn't stop thinking about the only person who might be the master of puppets in this play that was now her life. It had worked on the island and now he had a new stage to perform his art on. It must be him. It couldn't be anyone else.

He must know, Kate thought. Maybe he'd even known back on the island, maybe he'd made Juliet lie to her? She didn't know. He must know of her pregnancy, how else could she explain the free pregnancy test along with some information leaflets in her mailbox that morning? It was absurd. Pharmaceutical and beauty companies sent out samples and free stuff on a regularly basis. But this was too much of a coincidence. She'd had her suspicions for a few days now and if she was honest with herself it had been a lot longer than that. But when she'd woken up that morning she'd decided to get it over and done with and finally take a test. Only she hadn't had to buy one because she'd found one in her mailbox. This couldn't be happening. It wasn't.

Kate didn't understand her world anymore. How could Ben know? Why did he help her, of all people? And why hadn't he done anything to save Sawyer, too?

Maybe it was all a mistake. It must be. There was no other explanation. Something had gone wrong, someone had fucked up. This wasn't how it had been supposed to be. It couldn't. It wasn't how things had been supposed to work out. She should be in jail, not him. She should pay for her doings, not him. But why wasn't he willing to talk to her? Did he blame her? How the hell dare he blame her? It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. It was a mistake. It wasn't happening. Yes, maybe if she told herself long enough that it wasn't happening, because it couldn't be happening, maybe everything would be okay again. This wasn't happening, it wasn't.

Kate stopped the engine of her Ford and pulled the key out of the ignition. She looked at the building in front of her. Grey walls on grey ground surrounded by grey electric fence. How could anyone live in this place? How could you not go crazy being surrounded by those walls 24/7? How could you not fight to get out as soon as possible? She didn't understand him. He should fight. He should try as hard as he could to get out, to make it right. She knew he was guilty. He was even guilty of much more than he was being charged for. He had killed someone in cold blood back in Australia, but nobody seemed to care. Nobody had noticed that James Ford might have something to do with the death of an innocent man in the outskirts of Sydney. Nobody knew except her and Ben.

He got away with murder and now he was being charged for conning people out of money. It was ridiculous. Literally. After all he'd been through, his childhood, his life as a con man, his time on the island and now he was going down for stealing a few bucks? This couldn't be happening. Kate searched her purse for the little white envelope. It was nondescript plain white. Ever so slowly she opened it, as if she didn't want to see what was inside even though she already knew. She took a close look at the little picture again. Black and white and blurry. Personally she couldn't make out anything but the doctor had assured her it was there. A baby. A tiny, little, innocent baby. Her baby. His baby. She needed to tell him. He needed to know. And maybe, maybe it would give him a reason to fight. Or maybe he would just freak out. Kate wasn't sure which possibility frightened her more.

Putting the picture back into its envelope she got out of the car and headed towards the visitors' entrance. She went through the usual security procedures and when she was cleared to go in she made her way down that long grey corridor towards Joe Martinez. By now he could make out it was her even if she was still several feet away. Kate knew she must seem like a desperate and deserted spinster but she didn't care and Joe Martinez didn't even make her feel like one. He was always friendly and understanding. Sometimes she was even looking forward to seeing him. Because he was honest, because he was nice and even when he couldn't give her any good news he made her feel hopeful. When she approached him he was already smiling his trademark friendly smile at her and gave her a warm welcome. "Hi Kate. How are you today?"

Kate smiled back at him. "Hi Joe, you think I'm having any luck today?" Kate got nervous as the words came out of her mouth. He couldn't say no again. Sooner or later he would have to speak to her. He would. He would have to. It couldn't happen any other way. Joe typed into his computer and looked 

at her. His smile had faded away. "Sorry Kate, still doesn't want to see you, I guess. Stupid guy. If I had a beautiful girl like you on my doorstep every day, I'd go nuts not seeing you." Kate was grateful for him trying to cheer her up. But today he didn't really succeed. She needed to tell Sawyer that she was having his baby. He had a right to know, and Kate damn well wanted him to. Maybe he didn't want her anymore, didn't desire her anymore, didn't lover her anymore, but he surely must love his kid, right? He had to.

Kate swallowed hard. "Alright, Joe, thanks…" Her voice trailed off. When had she gotten so weak? When had she turned into a sob who was crying all the time? Joe looked at her sympathetically. "I'm real sorry, Kate, maybe tomorrow, huh? One day he'll come to his senses." Kate forced herself to smile weakly. She just wanted Sawyer to know. She had brought the little picture of their baby and she had wanted him to see. Kate searched her purse for the white envelope and got out a pen. Carefully she scribbled his name on the envelope. Not his real name. She wrote the name she used to call him. Sawyer. Maybe it would make him understand something. Maybe it would make him angry. But Kate was sure that it would change something in him. A little tiny thing and he would want to open it.

She sighed and handed the envelope to Joe. He nodded and said: "I'll try, Kate." Kate looked at him thankfully and made her way to the exit. He would open the envelope. He would see the picture and maybe, if she was lucky, it would make him happy. It had to. It was her only chance. It couldn't happen any other way.


	3. Confusion

**Confusion**

She didn't understand him. How could he do this to her? He wasn't the one who constantly ran away. He didn't back out from a fight. He would always go and kick some ass even if it was sure he'd get his kicked too in the process. And yet now he did. He was backing out, ignoring her, shutting her out. Kate didn't know how to feel about that, about him. If he talked to her, maybe she would understand his point, maybe she would see what was nagging at him, what was making him isolate himself. But after 6 more weeks behind bars he still didn't let her in to see him. Every single day she'd made the journey to the state pen. Every damn day she'd walked along the grey hallway only to be told by Joe Martinez that she wouldn't have any luck that day.

Joe Martinez had given the envelope back to her. Apparently "Mr. Ford had no interest in it". Why? Why was he doing this to her? What had she done wrong? Why couldn't he just let her explain? Why didn't he give her any chance at all? Kate didn't know what was going on in his head. Yeah okay, maybe he had a right to be a little angry at her, she hadn't been exactly easy to be with on the island. But surely he couldn't hold on to a little grudge, could he? Kate sighed heavily and stared at the little black and white picture in her hands. It was another ultrasound scan of the tiny little life growing inside of her. With already 3 months pregnant she could already feel a little curve. It was barely perceptible and if she wore a sweater nobody suspected a thing, but touching her once perfectly flat stomach with her free hand, Kate realized that it wouldn't take much longer until anyone would see. There'd come the day when she would have to tell the other survivors.

Claire would be happy for her looking forward to a playmate for little Aaron. Hurley would smile at her and give her one of his bear hugs. And Sun would probably cry because she was so happy to have someone to share the experience of being pregnant with. But there was one person she was afraid to tell. Jack. How would he react? What would he say? Would he be angry? Would he yell at her accusing her of wasting her life? Would he blame her for ever getting involved with Sawyer? He would give her his angry look, he would make her feel inferior and guilty. But Kate was tired of feeling guilty, she wouldn't give him any power over her. Not again.

What did Jack know about how she felt about Sawyer? How could he claim to know anything about what was going on between her and the Southerner? He didn't know anything, he just thought he knew better and should fix the situation. But this he couldn't fix. If she couldn't make it right on her own she doubted anyone else could help her. She needed to find a way to get through to Sawyer. Maybe she needed to hoist him with his own petard. She would have to find a backdoor. She needed to trick him into seeing her, into talking to her. She would have to con him. But how, if she didn't understand the whole situation, or his angle, or his point? The only thing she knew was that she still loved him, that she was having his baby and that she wanted him to be there. Anything else, she didn't know or understand.

Sawyer was lying in his grey bed staring at the grey wall. Why was she doing this to him? Why the hell was she coming back every damn day? He thought he'd made it clear enough that he never wanted to see her again. He'd already told her before. On the freighter he'd managed to part friendly, he'd even asked her to visit him back in the South some day even though he'd known back then this would never happen. He had known that he would go straight to jail and he'd been somewhat relieved that apparently Kate had wanted to part as if nothing had happened between them.

But during the whole flight from Fidji to L.A. he'd already felt her eyes stare at him constantly. He'd known she was pondering but he'd tried hard not to talk to her but he hadn't succeeded. After 2 hours into the flight he'd gone over to her and had said "Hell Freckles, if you don't wanna get it on in that damn plane bathroom you should stop staring at me like that". She had smiled and they had started to talk. He'd known it was wrong, he had known he couldn't build anything with her. Ben had made that clear enough. No Kate whatsoever. Not now, not ever. And as soon as they'd left customs and he'd felt the handcuffs on his wrists he'd shot her an angry and determined look and had gruffly said: "Go away, Kate. Get out!"

Sawyer had to smirk at the memory. The goggle eyed bastard. Who did he think he was? The fucking ruler of the universe? The damn master of puppets? It was ridiculous, really. Here he was, in a prison, again but only because he'd wanted to save her. Ben had blackmailed him. Either it was Kate or him, but one of them would have to go to jail. One of them would spend the rest of his or her days behind bars, without the other. Ben Linus, the bastard, had wanted to see them suffer, he just couldn't stand the fact that someone might have a chance at being happy if he wasn't. Him or Kate, he'd said. The decision had been easy. He'd do anything for Kate. Anything. Even if it meant counting the days in the fucking fortress of All-Grey. For almost three months he'd been in here staring at the wall thinking of Kate.

Ben had made sure that his trial was delayed and further delayed. Maybe if the jury was nice he'd be out again soon and then maybe he could go to her and talk to her and apologize. Bullshit, it was all bullshit. There'd be no getting out soon and no seeing Kate. Ben surely had his spies everywhere and if he did as much as write her a letter the bastard would probably kill him on the spot. Or worse, her. Ben obviously had fun playing his mind games, for him playing with people's lives was like playing Monopoly. And if he didn't get Park Lane in the end he'd throw a bunch of little plastic hotels at everyone.

Sawyer hated sending her away every day, he was craving to know what had been inside that envelope. A letter? A picture? He didn't know and he would never find out. Sawyer punched his fist into the grey wall. Why was this so damn hard? He'd never needed anyone. Why was he turning into a baby now? He simply couldn't stop thinking of her. Her smile, her striking green eyes, her wild and curly hair, her soft lips. God, he missed her. She was with him when he woke up and she was there when he went to sleep. If he'd been a poet he'd said something about her being the center of his world but he was no damn poet. And that was why he should keep her away from him. He was bad for her. And even if it hadn't been for Ben he'd know that.

He was poison for anyone who loved him. He was like a deadly substance crawling under the skin and into the system of anyone he cared for. He'd lost his parents and he wasn't risking Kate now. She was his friend, his accomplice his…..damn, he well knew she was his everything. And no matter what he did, no matter what he wanted, he couldn't be with her and the thing he hated most about it was that he couldn't even explain it to her. He couldn't say goodbye properly. Just what should he do? Should he play Ben's little game? Should he fight for her? Or should he just sit and wait it all out? He didn't know. And even if he knew, he wasn't sure he'd have the guts to do the right thing.


	4. Anger

**Anger**

How dare he? How dare the bastard treat her like that? Who did he think he was? The only person who had rights? The only one who got a say in anything? She should have known all along that he was no good, that he was a lying and cheating bastard. Jack had told her. Jack had always questioned Sawyer's motives. Maybe he'd been right all along, Kate thought. Maybe all Sawyer had wanted all along was get into her panties. He was just an asshole like any other man.

"I'll keep you safe" he'd once said. Bullshit. Means to an end to get her to fuck with him. Kate sighed and looked out of the window. She saw a black Mercedes pull into her drive and took a deep breath. It had to be now. She had to have that conversation now because if she'd wait any longer she'd have to spill the news in labor and she had a hunch that he wouldn't take that too well. She saw him get out of the car and was awed. He looked better, younger. He was wearing a suit, black pants, a crisp white shirt with the top buttons loose. He looked great, handsome. When she heard the sharp ring of the doorbell she jumped a little. He was here, she'd called him and now he was here. As slowly as possible she moved towards the door and with one last deep breath opened it and put on her best and happiest smile. "Hi, Jack".

He gave her one of his half smiles. Still composed to the bone, she thought. "Hi, Kate". The atmosphere was tense, neither knew how to start the conversation or what to start with so Kate stepped aside to let him in. Jack complied immediately and took a good look around. The apartment was all Kate. It was rather big and the only other apartment in the Finca like house above her seemed to contain some sort of gallery or studio, at least the sign outside suggested it. She had put flowers in every corner of her spacey living room. No roses, Jack observed, but lilies and gerbera. A strange mixture, but it suited her, he thought. A big wooden table stood next to a big window and all sorts of magazines were scattered on it. Female chaos, he knew, and smiled inwardly about how female the island tomboy could actually be.

He slowly turned around to find Kate staring at him and immediately felt caught. He shouldn't have intruded like this and immediately tried to fix the situation: "I'm sorry, Kate, I didn't want to be inquisitive" he said calmly and looked into her eyes shyly. They were still cruelly green and intoxicating to the point where all reason was slowly deserting him. She smiled at him and after all these weeks, after all that had gone unsaid he still felt something stir in his stomach. She was simply too beautiful, too nice, too easy to be with if she wasn't yelling or hitting you. For the first time since he'd arrived he took her whole appearance in. Her hair was loose and curly as he'd learned to love it. She didn't wear much make-up so he could still see the seemingly uncontrollable freckles that were dancing over her face and probably over a few other parts of her body that he could only dream of exploring.

He focused on the blouse she was wearing. It was pale green and went perfectly with her eyes. The silky material hang loosely down from her shoulders and floated like a soft wave around her beautiful breasts and further down over the clearly visible curve of her belly. Right then and there Jack's thoughts stopped. He looked up into Kate's eyes to find her gaze apologetic and equally hurt. His eyes dropped back to her belly. It was clear what the bulge under the green material meant. Jack's mind was racing into every possible direction. How far along was she? For how long had she known? Who was the father? Why hadn't she told him? Why hadn't she called him earlier?

"Kate, you're, I mean….you're pregnant? Why didn't you tell me? I could've got you the best doctor, I could've been there for you. Why didn't you call me, Kate?" Jack found his voice suddenly too urgent and too desperate so he added a shy smile and looked straight into the brunette's eyes again. "Jack, I'm fine. I have all sorts of people in my neighborhood who care for me. I'm okay." She needed him to understand and became a little more hopeful when he nodded. "How far along are you, Kate?" She swallowed. He wasn't stupid, he could count to nine, he was even a frigging doctor. He would know immediately. Damn it, tell him, this is why he's here, remember, she told herself. "20 weeks, Jack". Jack was calculating and counting in his head until it hit him.

"We got off the island 17 weeks ago, Kate" he spit out and Kate felt smaller with every judging look he shot her way. "I know, Jack, but I only found out a few weeks ago." Jack was breathing heavily now and Kate knew it meant he was getting angry. "Oh come on, Kate, you let him touch you and thought it wouldn't have any consequences? Does he even know? Does he know he's going to be a father, Kate?" Kate felt her façade start to crumble. "Jack, I…..that's not important, I just wanted you to know, okay? I felt I owe you that" she said barely audibly. Jack only laughed.

"Owe me, Kate? Are you kidding me? You didn't think you owed me anything when you were screwing him, did you? I bet he doesn't give a shit, am I right? I bet he's sitting in his little cell, or wait, maybe he's king of the jail house by now because he cons his wait out of everything, right? And he probably doesn't think of you at all, you're just another girl in his endless list of conquests. He wanted to screw you and he got what he wanted, right?" Kate shattered. The tears just came rolling down her eyes and she didn't even care. She'd thought Jack might be there for her, might let her talk to him, might take the little one to the park, maybe. But he was still the same. He was accusing her, he was throwing stuff in her way that she had enough problems coping with herself. Another example of the amount of asshole presumably every man had in him.

"You know what, Jack? I wanted you to know, because I thought we could be friends. Remember how we used to talk back on the island? How we shared our feelings? But you're still not coping, are you? You can't stand the fact that I chose him, right? It just won't get into your head that not the good doctor, the man who can fix anything and anyone, doesn't get the girl in the end! But guess what, Sawyer didn't get the girl either, you're happy? The both of you just think of yourselves, of what you want or need and never of anyone else! You're both hurting me and neither sees it! You're not one bit better than he is. So why don't you go and find something to fix, Jack?" Kate stopped because she was out of air. Her lungs were practically killing her and she felt like she'd just given everything she could. She gave Jack another stern look.

Jack just nodded and left without another word. Let her be miserable, it wasn't him who'd knocked her up and left her all alone. With more or less composed anger he got into his car and drove away again. Away from his past and towards his new reality. Inside the little house Kate had crushed down to the floor both her hands frantically holding her belly. She was crying mercilessly and didn't know how to go on from there. Without a friend, without someone to hold her and comfort her. Without anyone to share the baggage with. She remembered the "I never game". Back then he had really looked into her eyes, he had needed her to share something with him, because he didn't want to feel alone anymore. And Kate didn't want to feel alone anymore, too. But the more she cried the angrier she got.

To think that there was a time when she thought she couldn't decide between the two men. Between Sawyer and Jack. Two men who couldn't be any more different but who actually were the same. Bastards, liars, cheaters. "I hate you, I hate you so much…." she suddenly screamed to nobody in particular and covered her tear-stricken face with her hands.

She hadn't come in more than a week. He should be grateful for that. So she had finally given up hope that he might talk to her or worse, be with her. But Sawyer couldn't help but feel anger rise deep within his chest. He hadn't thought Kate would give up so easily. She'd forgotten him, of that he was sure. Maybe Dr. fucking Giggles had made an appearance. The thought alone made Sawyer sick with anger, or was it jealousy? He imagined the doctor kiss her, he envisioned his big hands roam her skin as he backed her against a wall and…."NO!" he yelled and punched the wall. If Jackass touched her, if he hurt her in any way, then he'd have to kill him.

But he couldn't, could he? He'd have to stay away from her. Damn it, damn it all. Fuck Ben and his games, fuck Jack for being an ass and fuck even Kate, for making him weep like a baby. He didn't need any of these people. He would just go on with his life as he did before. It was only 2 more days until his trial and apparently his chances weren't too bad, maybe Puppet-Ben was getting tired of Sawyer the puppet. But he wouldn't go and see Kate, because he didn't need her and apparently she didn't need him either.


	5. Acceptance

Acceptance

Kate sighed when she saw the little boy run after his yellow ball and across the green of the park. He had tousled blond hair and a happy smile across his face. He looked happy. Happy and free. The thought made Kate lower her gaze to her swollen stomach. She was almost 8 months pregnant now and her belly resembled a water melon more and more each day. She rested her right hand on her stomach and took a deep breath. Maybe 6 more weeks, maybe 8 and she would be a Mom. She would have a tiny little baby that would look like her, with dark unruly curls and green eyes. Or maybe, maybe it would look like him. With straight blond hair and sparkling blue eyes that would stare at her intensely begging her for something she didn't understand.

The thought scared Kate. What if this baby looked like him? What if it was a little boy that would grow up to be just like him? Cocky, charming, with blond hair, blue eyes and the characteristic killer dimples. What if her baby was a little version of Sawyer. She'd have to see him every day and every day she would be reminded of him, of what she couldn't have but also couldn't forget. Almost two months ago, a few days after her more than disturbing fight with Jack Sawyer's trial had begun and after the short period of 5 days he had been found innocent and was released from prison. Kate had wanted to go to court to see him, she had wanted to do so many things, yell at him, throw something at him, hit him until he understood, hug him and kiss him and hold him close for dear life but she hadn't been able to force herself to go. She had already been in her car, fully dressed, the latest ultrasound picture in a little envelope to give to him, but back in that car she hadn't found the willpower to start the engine. Instead she had stared at the street for 3 whole hours until she had finally cracked and the floods of tears couldn't be controlled anymore.

But two months later he still hadn't contacted her. He was sticking to his word that he never wanted to see her again, that he wanted her out of his life and Kate didn't understand him anymore. He had always double-crossed everyone and she was desperately hoping for him to knock at her door or simply show up in her living room. But no, no Sawyer, no phone call, no letter. She had gotten to know him as someone who didn't give a fuck about rules, who didn't let anyone tell him what to do but he was different now. Back then, when she had seen him the last time, in prison, the look in his eyes had been different, he had been different. Kate had felt that something or rather someone was keeping him on a very short leash and she clung to the idea desperately because the other possibility scared her even more. The possibility that maybe it all had been an lie, that Sawyer had never had feelings for her and that he simply had enough of her presence. Kate swallowed hard. No, that couldn't be, could it? She discarded the thought quickly. She couldn't do anything now. She was pregnant for god's sake, she had other things to think about than her fucked up love life. She knew she had to accept the situation. She had to accept his absence, his ignorance, his lack of love for her. She'd have to accept it.

She had tried. She had tried so hard, for weeks she had visited him every damn day. Every damn day she had made the journey to the prison he had been in only to be rejected again. But this was all in the past, wasn't it? It wasn't something she had control over anymore. Sawyer was gone. He had chosen to live his life without her and there was nothing she could do about it. She couldn't go to him and punch him in the face, she couldn't throw rocks at him and yell at him and she couldn't even curse him because deep down in her heart she knew that she loved him too much and that even if he would torture her like this until the end of her days she would still forgive him. So all she could do was sit on her bench it the little park downtown and watch another woman's child be happy and carefree. All she could do was wait and accept that everything was going its own course and she couldn't change anything, no matter how hard she tried.

--

Sawyer looked at the non-descript envelope. It was plain white without so much as a name on it. He wanted to open it. He desperately wanted to know what was inside but he couldn't make himself do it. It was too dangerous. He had resisted the urge to tear the thin paper apart for two long and torturous months and he wouldn't break now. If he opened it he would create a connection to her. He would create a secret bond that he knew he wouldn't have the willpower to break down again. Sawyer took the envelope and turned it around a few times. It couldn't be a letter. It was too thin to be one. He turned it around in his hand again and thought of how he had gotten hold of the envelope.

After the jury had judged him innocent and he had simply wanted to leave the federal building he had felt a soft hand on his arm. For a short moment he had thought, had even hoped, that it might be Kate. That he would have the chance to look at her again, just once, for the shortest of times, for a millisecond. He had wanted it to be Kate touching him with the softest of movements but when he had turned around he had looked straight into a very determined and serious pair of steel blue eyes. A million questions had raced through his mind that very moment. Why was she here? What did she want from him? And how the hell had she managed to get off the island? He had wanted to say something but Juliet had been faster. "Don't say anything, Sawyer, just listen to me" she had said with a determined tone. A simple nod had encouraged her to go on. "Ben is a liar. He has threatened you for one reason and one reason only, because he wanted to see how far you would go. He has no intention of doing you or Kate any harm, believe me. He just likes the idea of you suffering and living through hell." Sawyer had listened closely and hadn't trusted his ears.

"You kidding me, Blondie? You working for the bastard? He testing me or something?" he had gotten out between clenched teeth but Juliet had instantly held his gaze. "James, Ben is sick again, the cancer has returned and he knows that he will die soon. Trust me this once, James and take his envelope. Go find her. Be happy. Ben has destroyed enough lives." And with these words she had given him the envelope in question and had left.

He could simply open it, satisfy the urge to know what was inside and then burn it, destroy it forever and never think about it again. Just one little glimpse. A few seconds of giving in, nothing major, just a glimpse. Sawyer ripped the envelope open in one harsh and fast movement and pulled out what was hidden inside. It was a small white paper and a picture. On the paper was Kate's address written in blue ink and in Juliet's distinctive handwriting. He would have to throw it away and try not to remember it because he knew he should never see her again. He was sure that Juliet had come on Ben's order, damn sure that the bastard had started another mind game to make him go and see Kate just to take her away from him again. He looked at the picture.

"No, no, damnit, Kate" Sawyer suddenly yelled. He couldn't believe what he saw in his hands. Grey, black and white and somewhat blurry but he'd have to be an idiot not to know what it was. He looked at the date. This picture was almost 4 months old. It had Kate's name on it, her new name, Kate Morgan and someone had written three simple letters and another date on it. DOC, date of conception. Sawyer realized that they had all still been on the island on that date and the realization hurt him even more. Kate was having his baby. He had knocked her up and had left her alone. Sure, he had done that before, but that had been different, another story, another life. He couldn't do that to Kate, he couldn't leave her alone like that. Sawyer counted days and weeks again. 8 months. She had to be almost 8 months pregnant now. "Son of a bitch" he muttered and hit the table hard.

He'd have to see her, he needed to, he wanted to, but he couldn't, could he? He'd have to live with the knowledge that the woman he loved was having his baby and he couldn't ever be there. He would have to accept knowing it, caring for her, caring for this little innocent life that was growing inside of her, a life that he had helped create. He would have to stay away from her. Because now it wasn't only about him and Kate anymore, now it was about her child, too, his child, their child. And Sawyer would have to accept it. If he liked it or not.


End file.
